Do ultimatums work?
Does quitting drinking or drugs "for someone else" last?
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Hi Katie,
At the start of season 10 of Vanderpump Rules, James Kennedy, who has broken up with his fiancée, says he has started to drink again. A definite alcoholic, James had stopped drinking something like two years prior after facing an ultimatum from said fiancée. Now, he says that if he quits again, it will be for himself, not because of an ultimatum from someone else.
I watched this episode as I was wondering about what an ultimatum would do for someone in my life — who had actually faced one before — and stopped drinking for a year after. I know it’s hard to generalize, but are ultimatums always misguided and pointless? In other words, can quitting “for someone else” be productive, and if so, what do the conditions have to be for it to stick?
From,
VPR
Hey there, VPR,
I never expected to get a (however tangential) Vanderpump Rules-related question, and boy, am I here for it. AASL wishes the DJ James Kennedy and formerly self-described “White Kanye” all the best on his sobriety journey.
Kennedy is right—quitting drinking because you want to or believe you need to is preferable to being forced into it as a condition of something (be it marriage, employment, friendship, or anything else).
Ultimatums can be a powerful tool—if the person making it is willing to follow through on it. Like any powerful tool, in most cases, they’re best used when softer tactics haven’t worked. As in the case of Raquel (or Rachel, if you prefer—iykyk) Leviss’s ultimatum, this was not the first time they’d discussed Kennedy’s alcohol use. It was clear that he could not control his drinking and let the world know that by being an asshole to anyone who crossed him while intoxicated—often Raquel.
Leviss was right to give Kennedy that ultimatum. Sure, it was about his drinking, but it was also about the kind of partner she needed. She was drawing a line at being verbally abused, at watching him verbally abuse others, and at living with a person who became a volatile chaos agent every time he picked up a drink. There is nothing wrong with Leviss making it clear that she wouldn’t stick around if he kept it up.
The word ‘ultimatum’ can have a negative connotation—like it’s inherently unfair, regardless of circumstance. I once had a person tell me about his significant other: “She knows if she ever gives me an ultimatum, I’m out the door.” I remember being baffled and a bit horrified by this. ANY ultimatum?? For example, “If you ever hit me, I will leave you” seems like a reasonable ultimatum and not one worth ending a relationship over.
The motivation of the ultimatum-giver is critical here. Ultimatums shouldn’t only be about trying to get someone to change their behavior. If I tell my brother Bob (who doesn’t exist) that I can’t watch him hurt himself with drugs and alcohol anymore — that he needs to get help if he wants me to stay in his life—I have to be prepared not to be in Fake Bob’s life. It truly should be worse to watch him use alcohol and drugs than to be estranged from him. In other words, ultimatums shouldn’t be a tactic; they should express a real need.
Ultimatums are not always misguided or pointless, but they shouldn’t be dished out lightly; even the most serious ultimatums don’t always work. If you’re unprepared to follow through on the consequences, try the less nuclear options first. Talk to the person about their substance use, how it affects you, how concerned you are, what that stress is doing to you, etc.
Yes, quitting for someone else can be effective—one of the early letters I received for this column was about a man who’d quit drinking because his wife had given him an ultimatum. But at some point—even if it’s not for years and years–the decision to stay sober has to be a personal one. The letter writer’s wife had just passed when he wrote me, and he wanted to know if there was any point in sticking with it now that his “reason” for getting sober was gone.
Although he may not have been able to see it, I think he already was staying sober for himself—and his late wife. If she had truly been the only reason, he immediately would have picked up a drink. Instead, he wrote an email to some weird newsletter called Ask a Sober Lady. The simple act of writing the letter told me that, even if he couldn’t see it at that moment, something inside him wanted to stay sober.
The best case scenario with an ultimatum is that it pushes a person to get help and, through that help, they realize that they’re not simply doing it to appease their partner/boss/parent anymore, but because their life improves and that’s something they want to hang on to.
When that doesn’t happen—when someone gets sober for their fiancee who later decides to break up with them anyway—you’re in James Kennedy territory. Your reason for staying sober is gone and, with it, your sobriety. At some point, it has to be about more than the ultimatum. It has to be about how you want to live your life.
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I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.
Valuable to clarify that ultimatums are as much about the person giving the order as the person receiving the order. Addiction is a disease and the physical dependency can, in and of itself, be a life and death matter ("DT's", or "Delirium Tremens"), when trying to go sober.
An alcoholic's allegiances are with alcohol first and foremost. Ideally, the will to be sober should best begin within. That's where the seed for success is most likely to germinate and grow.
It takes an exceptionally strong, determined individual to do it for someone else -- and succeed.
Sometimes love as an antidote is enough.
(Firsthand experience with several family members)
Any path to quitting can be a good path and many paths have a high failure rate (especially early on).
Great points here Katie!