How can I find sober friends who want to talk about more than just recovery?

I want to hang out with interesting, sober people without every conversation revolving around sobriety and recovery.

Nonchaloir by John Singer Sargent

Hi Sober Lady!

First of all, thanks for writing this newsletter! I loved your work at Anxy (RIP), so easy access to more of your writing is great.

Are there groups other than AA you could personally recommend? I've been in the rooms for years now and find myself wanting to hang out with sober people without always making it the main topic of conversation. I’m in a fairly big city and I just want to hang out with cool, creative, driven, sober, or sober-leaning folks. I can Google, but the Internet is a wasteland, and I thought you might have personal experiences.

Thanks a bunch,

Another Sober Lady

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Hi Another Sober Lady,

It is so lovely to hear from someone who was an Anxy reader! [Anxy was a print magazine/passion project about mental health, of which I was a founding member and associate editor.]

Thanks for writing; I deeply understand this problem and—in the interest of full disclosure—still personally struggle with it. One of the most remarkable things about AA is how easy and accessible it makes finding a sober community. It’s not for everyone, but for me, it was ideal when I was newly sober and genuinely felt like I needed to process how and why I’d ended up there. I needed to talk about it all of the time. But it’s also common for there to come a point where you want a more diverse community—one that feels safe for your recovery without being entirely about recovery. It’s great that you’re trying to find a way to develop a varied and creative life that’s still healthy for your sobriety.

The kinds of groups and spaces you’re looking for typically exist on a spectrum. On one end of the spectrum are the groups overtly about recovery (AA or otherwise). Here, you can be pretty certain no one will suggest meeting up in a bar, but the odds are also high that there will be a lot of recovery talk. To some degree, this is true of any group—it would be like going to a film club and expecting them to talk about pickleball. On the other side of the spectrum might be something like bar trivia—you don’t have to drink to be involved—but the odds of spending the evening with non-drinkers are highly unlikely.

I don’t say this to discourage you—most groups and activities exist somewhere in the middle of the spectrum—but it is a useful balance to consider when setting expectations for trying something new.

If you’re looking for a group that’s still recovery-centric, you could try something like Dharma Recovery—an organization a few friends of mine have connected with. Yes, it is ostensibly about addiction recovery (which is why it’s closer to the AA end of the spectrum). Still, everything I’ve heard about it suggests it’s far less intense and prescriptive than AA meetings.

You say, “I just want to hang out with cool, creative, driven, sober, or sober-leaning folks,” which makes me think you aren’t necessarily looking for something explicitly about recovery but a group that’s likely to be comprised of folks who simply aren’t heavy drinkers and whose first thought about socializing doesn’t involve alcohol.

There are many things I could suggest—group fitness classes, art classes (provided it’s not one of those sip-and-paint classes)—things that may include some drinkers but are also likely to have people who either don’t drink or don’t drink very much. As a former public librarian, I also want to stress checking out the free offerings at your local public library. There are great lectures and classes, usually for free. Some of the coolest, most fun people I’ve ever met I met through the public library.

In 2022, I moved to a rural area outside Seattle and wanted to make some sober (or, as you say, sober-ish) friends, so I joined a kickboxing gym. You should know that in all my years of being alive, I have never enjoyed cardiovascular exercise, hitting things, or being called a “warrior.” When I told a friend back home about my short-lived attendance at the gym, she laughed so hard she cried. When she finally caught her breath, she asked me what on earth I was thinking.

“I think you might be more likely to find people if you’re doing something you actually enjoy. Something you already care about. Because then you’ll run into people who care about that thing, too.”

It was so obvious and had never crossed my mind. Whether that’s getting involved in political activism, volunteering at an animal shelter, or something else—start with your interests and go from there. If you meet enough like-minded people, some are bound to be sober or soberish.

There are also Meetups—likely with many different options since you’re in a large city. The “sober curious” movement has taken off, and people are actively looking for spaces where they can socialize without booze. You asked for a personal recommendation, and I realize suggesting a random meetup is the opposite of that. That said, you can try it once, and if you hate it, never go back. You might even find that you and another attendee both hate it, and friendships form from there (many of my adolescent friendships were formed through mutual disdain for a common enemy, like physical education).

Cher and Dionne hating gym class in one of the all-time great movies, Clueless.

If you end up with a small cadre of folks you like and are sober(ish), make your own group! Have a weekly coffee date, book club, game night, whatever. Something where you’re gathering regularly to check in and spend time with each other. It might take some work, but it will likely pay off.

Your question speaks to a larger issue that many of us are grappling with—finding community as adults. There have been endless articles about an epidemic of loneliness and isolation, and not just among nondrinkers. I don’t have any grand solutions to this problem, but I want to note that it’s something that most of us are experiencing to some degree.

For a long time, I thought sobriety was the reason for my isolation—that there was necessarily a trade-off between being a sober person who didn’t always want to talk about sobriety and having a “normal” social life. There are a couple of ironies in that, not the least of which is now I write a newsletter where I talk almost exclusively about recovery and sobriety. But I also need to be careful not to romanticize what my social life was like when I was drinking. Towards the end, I was lying to everyone I knew and drinking alone in a literal closet. It was the loneliest I’ve ever been. So, while it might be easier to meet people at bars or other alcohol-infused places, they’re not necessarily where you’ll find the connections I think you’re looking for. You didn’t mention that being a concern, but since I have to remind myself occasionally, I thought I’d share it with you, too.

Readers, if you have encountered this issue and have suggestions for meeting sober people outside of traditional recovery groups, please respond in the comments!

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I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.