How do I ask someone out without suggesting a drink?

Don't make assumptions; channel Simone Biles; don't try to make a movie about sex addiction romantic.

In the survey, some readers said they’d like to read more about the following: how family relationships change with recovery (with perspectives from different family members), and more about substances other than alcohol. These are great suggestions that I very much appreciate. I’ll plan on working both subjects in, and if you would be open to sharing your experiences with either of the above, please drop me a note; I’d love to connect. You can always remain anonymous.

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Peacock Peacocking for a peahen. Credit: Kenneth Lu

Dear Sober Lady,

I’m a non-sober man who has recently cut back on drinking, and I want to ask out a woman who has been sober for quite some time. We have a lot of chemistry through text, but this is my first time since high school where I’m not going to be able to break the tension of just meeting by saying, “Why don’t we grab a drink?” I know how it sounds, but I never had any intention of getting sloppy drunk or trying to get my date drunk — but a couple of cocktails has been an effective crutch for I’m guessing a lot of people.

It’s made me want to ask someone with your expertise what some good first date ideas are for a sober person, where maybe the tension can be broken by another activity. Preferably not a movie or something where the majority of the date is sitting quietly, not looking at each other?

Best,

N/A BF

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Hi N/A BF,

It’s great that you’re drinking less and want to be respectful of your (potential) date’s sobriety. Among people who are sober, “do you want to get coffee” is basically the drinker’s equivalent of “do you want to get a drink,” and no, it doesn’t matter what time it is. Decaf is a baffling concept until it becomes a lifeline.

But if you guys have been engaging in long text conversations, you’re likely on friendlier terms than just “let’s grab coffee.” First, let me commend you on avoiding a movie/dark theater where you’re just staring at the screen and not talking.

Your email prompted flashbacks to a first date I went on a few years into my sobriety. I agreed to see a movie I’d never heard of and hadn’t bothered researching. Turns out that movie was Shame, which graphically depicts Michael Fassbender’s character plummeting into an increasingly desperate sex addiction. I’m sure it’s a fine movie in other contexts, but between that and my date trying to hold my hand the whole time like we were watching Casablanca, it’s a miracle I didn’t explode from the cringey awkwardness of it all.

That guy could have been really nice and great, but I was so over the whole thing at the end of those two hours that I immediately came up with an excuse to leave and never found out.

With that personal horror story out of the way, what do you know about this woman (other than the fact that she doesn’t drink)? Is she an animal lover? Does she paint or do other crafty things in her spare time? Play an instrument or love a specific type of music? Is she a foodie? A history buff? Sports fan?

Ideally, some of these interests will overlap with yours, and you can choose an activity or place that’s engaging and fun for both of you. Whether that’s the aquarium, a museum, a new/unusual restaurant, a minor league baseball game (as a non-sports person, I’m begging you to be sure that this is something she would enjoy before committing to it), or even something as simple as: I’ll show you my favorite view/spot in the city and you show me yours (and no, not in the Michael Fassbender/Shame way).

If she’s been sober for “quite some time,” I’m guessing that this isn’t her first sober date; I suspect that most of your anxiety is less about finding sober activities and more about not having the kind of liquid courage you’re used to. That’s understandable! But there are a couple of things I hope you consider:

1. You two already have a nice little flirty foundation, so it may help to think of this not as a first date, but the first time you’re meeting in person. It may feel like the same thing, but psychologically, it helps to remember that she isn’t brand new to you or you to her.

My partner and I met online, and because of scheduling conflicts (and a mutual tendency towards introversion), we spent a couple of weeks exchanging long emails before meeting in person. It was still nerve-wracking the first time we met face-to-face, but significantly less so than if we had started from scratch. If she likes you enough to flirt text with you, you’re kicking off the face-to-face part in pretty decent shape.

2. Never underestimate the power of a nonalcoholic beverage.

I’m continually (pleasantly) surprised by how many places now serve N/A beer, N/A wine, or mocktails. If you end up going to eat or have the opportunity to stop for a beverage, take advantage of whatever non alcoholic options might be on offer. I will occasionally have a non alcoholic beer, despite never loving the taste. But I found myself in a few social situations where I wanted to hold something other than a class of water or a Diet Coke—simply because I was tired of always holding a glass of water or a Diet Coke. To some extent, I probably wanted to blend in a bit more than being the adult with a glass of water, but I was also just BORED.

If you’re used to having a beer on a first date, you can still go through the motions of having that beer, just make it non-alcoholic. If you guys have the chemistry, it sounds like you do. By the time you finish the beer, you’ll be having such a good time, you may even forget it’s alcohol-free.

3. I appreciate that you’ve cut back on your drinking, and I understand that it makes perfect sense to abstain from drinking while you’re on a date with someone sober. It’s a thoughtful move that seems in line with both of your preferences.

I would caution against assuming that you have to forgo alcohol simply because she’s sober. As with most recovery-related situations, different people have different feelings about this, but it always bothered me when people I dated acted like they HAD to be a teetotaler when they were around me, even after I’d been clear that I’d be fine dating someone who drinks and wouldn’t expect them to refrain from doing so around me.

I don’t think that’s the situation here—cutting back on booze is a choice you’ve made for yourself—this is just a friendly reminder not to assume you know what she’s comfortable with. If you’re not sure, ask.

4. If you’re still anxious, engage in a little visualization.

I don’t often recommend something so woo-woo-y, but unfortunately for the cynics among us, there’s a robust body of evidence suggesting that positive visualization can reduce anxiety and result in better outcomes.

Once you know where you’re going on the date, picture meeting her there. Let’s say you’re getting a meal. Close your eyes and imagine meeting her outside the restaurant, saying hi, going inside, and sitting down. Picture yourself ordering a Diet Coke or NA beer or whatever. Picture the easy, casual conversation you two will have while you drink your boozeless drink. Think about how nice it is that you don’t have to worry about making a bad joke or saying something unintentionally rude because the alcohol is telling you that you’re smart and witty, and everyone should hear your thoughts. In short, picture it as fun, easy, and comfortably free of alcohol. If visualization is good enough for Simone Biles, it’s most certainly good enough for you!

Good luck and have fun!

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I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.