How do I stay sober on vacation with my wine-loving friends?
You're allowed to poop out of parties.
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Hi Sober Lady,
Every year or two, my husband and I go on vacation with one of our good friends from college and his husband, to whom we’ve also become close. In August, we’re renting a beach house, and while I’m really looking forward to it, this is going to be the first trip we’ve taken since I quit drinking a little over 7 months ago.
These trips have historically involved a good deal of alcohol; they all know that I’m sober and have offered to make it a “dry” vacation, but I don’t want them to do that. Our friends are excellent chefs and very into wine pairings with elaborate meals; it would feel forced, awkward, and kind of unfair. I know they wouldn’t have as much fun, and I don’t think I would have as much fun if they weren’t drinking. I want things to be normal (or at least, as normal as possible).
That said, I am a little worried about feeling left out, getting annoyed by drunken antics, and all the other things that I imagine come with being the only sober person on a weeklong vacation. (We’ve been out to dinner with them several times since I quit, and it’s been fine; it’s the length of time and vacation vibes that make me nervous.) The house is in a small beach town with not a ton of activities—which is how we want it—but I can see things revolving around alcohol. I’m torn between feeling like a vacation buzzkill and forcing everyone to work around my “problem” and worrying that I will be so annoyed or on edge that I end up yelling at everyone, drinking, or both.
What can I do to avoid either extreme?
—Vacation Holiday
Hey VH,
Congratulations on seven months of sobriety! It’s great that your husband and friends offered to make this a dry vacation, especially considering it sounds like that would be well outside the norm for them. I understand why you don’t want that: Not only do you not want to feel like you’re holding your friends back from a good time, it would also be a different vibe for the group—you want to go on the trip with your fun, wine drinking friends (and husband)—not be the impetus for a “everyone has to be sober because VH is sober” challenge.
But there’s also the reality that you are sober, and even very supportive friends can make abandoning that abstinence seem enticing. Whether it’s because drunk people can slowly grate on your sober nerves or make you feel like you’re missing out, it can feel frustrating and lonely being the only sober person (but man, will they be jealous of you in the morning). It’s great that you’re thinking about these issues now, so you can be better prepared to deal with them constructively should they arise.
One of the biggest challenges I face in booze-laden situations is the gradual erosion of my tolerance for other people. I’ll start by handling everything just fine, in no small part because drinkers typically don’t immediately get drunk. They sip that first cocktail or glass of wine and behave no differently than they would sober. After two or three drinks, maybe they get a little louder, a little more certain that the story they’re telling is fascinating. After a few more, they might become even louder and start to slur, become more touchy-feely; a few more, and they might become convinced of the need to invite rando beach strangers back to your rental house for an impromptu dance party.
Somewhere between “a little louder” and “touchy-feely” is where my blood pressure begins to spike. What began as simply as they’re drinking; I’m not, becomes they’re having the time of their lives; I’m a miserable old crone. That feeling sucks. It doesn’t mean your friends are insensitive or you’re being overly sensitive; it’s just a dynamic that sometimes (not always!) arises in these situations. And it can be triggering. For many people in recovery—myself included—numbing a sense of otherness was a huge part of why we became so enamored with alcohol. Having those feelings come up specifically because you’re not drinking can be kind of a double whammy.
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Do you have a sense of which situations might be the most triggering? From your email, it seems that drinking is primarily centered around dinner/in the evening, but if you’ve been on vacation with this couple several times before, you likely know the situations in which a) things get a little wild and b) you’re likely to be irritated. Come up with a plan for what to do in those situations. Take a walk on the beach, call a friend, finish a book (bring lots of books!), go to an AA meeting (even if you’re not in AA and don’t identify as an alcoholic, it’s something do that will put you around sober people and give you a break from the shenanigans) or check out the online mutual aid groups like SMART Recovery and Lifering. You don’t mention doing any kind of a program, and that’s fine; I’m not suggesting you need one. But the beauty of something being free and widely available is that you can access it when you feel like you need it with no strings attached.
The important thing is to have a plan for when you need a break. Don’t let anyone make you feel like a party pooper for needing a little alone time. Your friends sound supportive, and if they’re giving you a hard time about needing space, it’s because they just can’t understand what it’s like to be in your situation. Their barometer for pooping out of parties is different from yours, and yours is what matters. (I’d also recommend bringing earplugs and downloading a white noise app for your phone if you want to go to bed while others are still carousing.)
Speaking of late, drunken nights, you might want to take advantage of alone time in the morning. You’re likely to be the first one up (or at least the first person ready to do things in the morning), and you should use it. Whether that’s yoga, meditation, or just looking at the ocean with a cup of coffee, give yourself some time to appreciate the beauty of where you are and the joy of not being hungover.
Stock up on non-alcoholic drinks. Some people in recovery think that non-alcoholic beer and wine are triggering, while others love having the option. Where you come down on that is up to you, but you should have something fun and fancy (and non-alcoholic) for cocktails and dinners. If you’re feeling like the odd one out, it can help to have a drink that looks like what everyone else is drinking. Just be sure that if you’ve got NA beverages that look like alcoholic beverages, you’re double-checking the label before cracking one open.
I would also talk about this with your husband. If you’re midway through the vacation and starting to have a hard time, see if he’d be willing to limit himself to a glass of wine at dinner, a single cocktail, or even skip a night of alcohol altogether. One of the reasons drunk people can be so irritating to sober people is that drunk people can (often unintentionally) gaslight you about their state of mind and behavior. They’ve got a hazy buffer between their brain and reality that they don’t necessarily understand the full extent of. As a sober person, you find it less funny that the drink was spilled down your shirt, or the glass was broken, or the rude joke was told. Having someone with you in the realm of sober reality can make the situation much more tolerable.
Drinking is also not an all-or-nothing proposition. Again, I understand not wanting to be a wet (or in this case, dry) blanket, but since they’ve already offered to do an alcohol-free vacation, I’m sure they’d be open to some parameters around drinking. My partner drinks, but I’m only comfortable with beer and wine in the house, not liquor. You could see how they feel about sticking with wine, or not drinking during the day, or anything else that puts a few guardrails on the situation without eliminating drinking altogether.
Finally, don’t be afraid to let them know you’re having a harder time than you expected. “I thought the drinking wouldn’t bother me and I wanted to make sure everyone had fun; it turns out, it’s starting to get to me” is absolutely a fair thing to say.
I hope you have a great trip! It may be a little uncomfortable at first, but I think you’ll appreciate a vacation that doesn’t pass by in a drunken whirl; one with bright, clear mornings free from nausea and blinding headaches.
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I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.
I felt this a beautifully balanced piece of writing, thank you.
And to the lady asking... Yes you really can have a lovely holiday without drinking alcohol. I've had 3 now. First (3Months sober) tricky, felt it helped to say that out loud to my partner and to treat myself with lots of ice cream and to discover soft drinks I like and to be honest with how hard it felt.. 2nd and 3rd holidays first day tricky the odd impulses and triggers, for sure. However I feel such an overwhelming sense of pride and cleanliness and, hand on heart,I truly feel I enjoyed my holiday more whilst sober, for so many different reasons.
I'm one year and 3 months now, it can be okay!!...... More than okay.x
I love your point about making a plan for when you need a break. When my brother was able to string together a few months of sobriety, he’d try to be comfortable with everything too quickly. Looking back, it’s clear that either he wasn’t fully honest — or didn’t know how to articulate — when he needed a break from being around people who were drinking. You could see the looseness of people drinking around him chip away at him until a relapse happened. Knowing when you need to remove yourself from a boozy situation seems so crucial. Thanks for writing this one, Katie!