Did getting sober make your life more manageable?

I got a reputation on campus for being a problem drinker. I quit, but I'm still struggling. What's the upside?

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Hello,

I recently decided to go sober long term because I developed a reputation for my drinking problem on campus during my freshman and sophomore years of college. I’m on month two, and I am going to my first meeting after spring break, but I struggle with interacting with people who have held me to my past mistakes. That being said, I know it doesn’t really matter what others think of me, nor is it something that I can control. Do you have any hope or advice as to how sobriety has helped your life feel more manageable? What do you think you’ve gained as a result of getting sober?

From,

College Life

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Hi College Life,

Congratulations on month two of sobriety! As someone who also had a college reputation for problematic drinking, double congratulations for being willing to see that your reputation was a product of a more serious truth—that you needed to change your relationship with alcohol. That can be extraordinarily hard in college, yet you’ve done it.

I spent far too long pretending my Drunky McDrunkerson reputation was funny or a badge of honor or literally anything other than what it was: a big, glaring red flag. All the signs were there when I was in college, but, unlike you, I would have shown up to class naked before I admitted what all those signs were saying.

I remember waiting in line in the cafeteria some morning after an unremarkable night I didn’t particularly recall. When I woke up, I assumed that the night before had been fun despite my lack of memory. Suddenly, a person I had never seen before ran up to me and (gently) grabbed my arms. “You’re alive!” he said with audible relief.

The story continued as those stories often did in my little college town of kind-hearted hippies: The night before, I had been very drunk, and good samaritans—including Mr. “You’re Alive!”— tried to get me home safely. Oblivious to their efforts, I wandered off, seemingly disappearing, and they were all very worried about whether I would make it back to my dorm in one piece. Fortunately, I did, but I was completely oblivious that I’d worried a group of lovely strangers who’d tried to help me—until the next morning when one of them told me he was relieved to find me alive.

I thought this story was hilarious. Looking back, it’s terrifying. I’m so grateful that my college town was significantly safer than many other college campuses, but there are still countless ways I could have been harmed or caused harm that night (or all the similar nights that came before and after).

There is much about my life that became more manageable after getting sober, and there are plenty of important things I’ve gained as a result, but I didn’t get sober in college. You have so much more to gain because you’re still a student. Every time you go to a class without a hangover, you’re gaining something. When your work is sharper, when your social life revolves less around drinking and more around fun, stimulating activities, you are gaining something. I went to a college with one of the best music conservatories in the country; there were free concerts all the time. I have no idea if I ever went to one. What a ridiculously unnecessary loss.

I know it feels hard because some people are still thinking of you as the person you were before you quit drinking or holding things you did over your head. That sucks, but I can tell you the fastest way to change that: stay sober. It’s not going to take long for those people to see that you’re not doing the same things you did when you were drinking, and whatever your particular Drunky McDrunkerson reputation was, it’s likely to fade from people’s memories pretty quickly. Anyone who insists on clinging to it is doing so for reasons that have nothing to do with you.

You asked how sobriety has helped my life feel more manageable and what I’ve gained from getting sober. The short answer is more than I ever could have imagined. I know that may sound trite, but when I was drinking, finding and consuming alcohol was at the very top of my list of priorities.

Being addicted to alcohol was like having a demanding, unstable, and manipulative best friend to whom I could never say no. (I realize this sounds like an abdication of responsibility, but it is what it felt like.) This friend had truly bonkers, terrible ideas but could convince me to do anything with the promise of a few hours of euphoria and excitement. Sometimes I got those few hours of euphoria; sometimes I didn’t, but I always woke up with a scrambled brain, either unable to remember or deeply regretting the night before.

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What questions do you have about substance use and recovery? What topics would you like me to address in the newsletter? Let me know.

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Getting sober didn’t magically make everything easier—there was a period when I felt like a walking raw nerve. The slightest thing could make me cry, laugh, and sometimes both. I was so used to feeling numb and disconnected; it was like the scene in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy walked out of her house in black and white into a world of color. Scary things were scarier; beautiful things were even more beautiful. I didn’t know how to exist in this new reality. AA meetings were especially helpful for me during this time.

Although my emotions were messy in the early days, my life quickly became more manageable. I wasn’t constantly trying to figure out what I’d said or done, who I had lied to, what that lie had been, and when I’d find my next drink. Even for drinkers who are not at the extreme I was, there are countless ways routine, excessive alcohol use can grind a person down. It can bleed your motivation, self-worth, and capacity to function.

When I was drinking, life felt like trying to do a puzzle blindfolded—I was feeling around in the dark for pieces, hoping I could find a few that fit together. Once I got sober, I could see the picture on the box. I could see the details of each piece. Putting the thing together wasn’t always easy, but it was possible.

It’s hard to overstate how much I’ve gained by getting sober because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be alive. But I do regularly think about how much more difficult life would be if I were still drinking—or if I started again and ended up in the same place as before. My sister would, rightfully, keep me well away from my amazing nieces, knowing I could not reliably keep them safe. The odds of writing a weekly newsletter would be roughly zero, as would producing any kind of coherent journalism. My 16-year-old dog has a shockingly complicated medication schedule that I would almost certainly screw up. Everything would be a million times sadder and harder.

More than anything, sobriety has given me a life. It allows me to be the kind of person I want to be (most of the time). I try to show up for the people I love; I do my best to help others; I love my animals so much that they’re all fat and spoiled, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. More than anything, I don’t wake up every day brimming with dread and regret. My life is far (far!) from perfect, but it’s filled with so much more possibility and joy than it was when I was drinking.

And not once has a stranger approached me to say they’re surprised I’m still alive.

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I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.