This is such a vital subject, especially for people who are seeking the path towards sobriety. As you write with gentle compassion and clarity, the most powerful thing to do is to ask a person what they need as support during their recovery process. While every individual’s sober story is unique, I think there are universal themes on how we can survive as addicts in recovery (I use the word addict in an attempt to be inclusive and in hopes to break free from the stigma of this heavy word). Addiction thrives in secrecy, silence, and isolation. By asking straight forward questions, a friend can learn more about what is helpful, simply offer a listening ear, and show that they care for their friends who may be struggling in their recovery process. Even though I have established many good years of sobriety and service, I do sometimes hold an unspoken fear of being left out, turning into a social pariah, being a Debbie Downer like the SNL Disneyland skit. And I still struggle to navigate spaces where alcohol is abundant; it’s not a huge temptation at this point after being sober a long while, but bar life sometimes brings back unwelcome memories of my past drinking days. I’ve lost old friends who continue to use daily or the ones didn’t make it out of addiction alive. Recovery is a life or death issue, and the sober path is not easy. Still it’s worth it to me because of the sense of awareness, the presence of mind, and the human connections I’ve developed while being sober. I appreciate your references to Dharma Recovery; that’s my group. I like your gentle suggestions in this letter, and I value your open-minded, non-judgmental, graciously compassionate approach to your letter writing. Thank you for your thoughtful insights and for this act of service to our sober community. Finding community support feels like a vital life raft amid the stormy waters of life. In these current times of distress, grief, and turmoil, I’m grateful for your invaluable, heartfelt writing.
Really appreciated your answer on this Katie, thanks as always. I few things that come to mind for me on this one (most of which you already touched on):
Don't treat your friend as if they're broken or fragile. Treat them like they're a full human going through something hard. If you have questions, ask. Don't make assumptions as to what they want or need, as everyone has a unique experience with this.
Let them know, however you can, that you'll be here for them no matter what, if they're drinking or not. In my case, it took me several years from when I started to talk about my struggles with drinking to actually quitting. During that time, the friends whom I could be completely honest with, and let them know that I had stopped, then started, then stopped again, without worrying about their judgement, were extremely valuable. I can't overemphasize how important those real, raw, blunt conversations were to me.
Wonderful question and answer. I wish I had had friends who were curious and sensitive enough to want to know what they might or might not do while supporting me during early recovery, and friends who were as thoughtful as you are when thinking about how to show this kind of support. This response feels sincerely loving and caring. And it happens to be on topic for me where I am with a friend.
Right now I am trying to do the right thing with a long time friend now who I think is seriously considering stopping. Couple of things I'm doing as subtly and intentionally as I can: 1) checking in regularly but not unusually often. I want him to know that I am not only here but also that I am wanting to stay abreast of his well-being, while not doing so so often that it feels unusually invasive or even just "a little too concerned". 2) not aggressively jumping on opportunities to promote sobriety whenever the topic happens comes up (I don't want be promoting an agenda or bias, or come across as being *primarily* interested in topics related to sobriety and/or my friend's well-being — after all, under "normal" circumstances friendship rapport, for me and my friends, often changes in consistency and can meander around, such that we don't always do those things, even with the best of friends and regardless of whether or not it's appropriate) but I also make absolutely damn sure to show support for healthy behaviors and choices when I happen notice them; 3) not straying too far from (personal) agnostic recovery program stances when programs come up in conversation; i.e. supporting the idea of AA or Life Ring or Dharma or SMART (etc.) equally regardless of which I or my friend may favor or be thinking about, unless said friend seems to have strong stances or be more interested in one or the other himself. I also allow myself to share and display my own weaknesses, when appropriate. (I've noticed in the past friends who, while clearly trying to be supportive of me when I was struggling, would sometimes seem to purposefully avoid "showing their cards" or whatever, almost as though they were going for some sort of professional doctor-patient bedside manner or something.) So I'm not afraid to appear as vulnerable myself, and I think it might help remind my struggling friend that I am still human and fragile.
Thanks for your comment, John! It sounds like your friend is lucky to have you as they go through this. I agree about showing vulnerability. When recovery support groups (of any variety) are successful, it’s often because people see them as safe spaces to be vulnerable with people who have struggled with similar issues. No one wants to talk to someone with a perfect life (should such a thing exist) about their problems!
This is such a vital subject, especially for people who are seeking the path towards sobriety. As you write with gentle compassion and clarity, the most powerful thing to do is to ask a person what they need as support during their recovery process. While every individual’s sober story is unique, I think there are universal themes on how we can survive as addicts in recovery (I use the word addict in an attempt to be inclusive and in hopes to break free from the stigma of this heavy word). Addiction thrives in secrecy, silence, and isolation. By asking straight forward questions, a friend can learn more about what is helpful, simply offer a listening ear, and show that they care for their friends who may be struggling in their recovery process. Even though I have established many good years of sobriety and service, I do sometimes hold an unspoken fear of being left out, turning into a social pariah, being a Debbie Downer like the SNL Disneyland skit. And I still struggle to navigate spaces where alcohol is abundant; it’s not a huge temptation at this point after being sober a long while, but bar life sometimes brings back unwelcome memories of my past drinking days. I’ve lost old friends who continue to use daily or the ones didn’t make it out of addiction alive. Recovery is a life or death issue, and the sober path is not easy. Still it’s worth it to me because of the sense of awareness, the presence of mind, and the human connections I’ve developed while being sober. I appreciate your references to Dharma Recovery; that’s my group. I like your gentle suggestions in this letter, and I value your open-minded, non-judgmental, graciously compassionate approach to your letter writing. Thank you for your thoughtful insights and for this act of service to our sober community. Finding community support feels like a vital life raft amid the stormy waters of life. In these current times of distress, grief, and turmoil, I’m grateful for your invaluable, heartfelt writing.
Great advice, thank you so much for the comment
Really appreciated your answer on this Katie, thanks as always. I few things that come to mind for me on this one (most of which you already touched on):
Don't treat your friend as if they're broken or fragile. Treat them like they're a full human going through something hard. If you have questions, ask. Don't make assumptions as to what they want or need, as everyone has a unique experience with this.
Let them know, however you can, that you'll be here for them no matter what, if they're drinking or not. In my case, it took me several years from when I started to talk about my struggles with drinking to actually quitting. During that time, the friends whom I could be completely honest with, and let them know that I had stopped, then started, then stopped again, without worrying about their judgement, were extremely valuable. I can't overemphasize how important those real, raw, blunt conversations were to me.
This is all great, thoughtful advice—and well said. I’m glad you mentioned asking questions; that’s a great point
Wonderful question and answer. I wish I had had friends who were curious and sensitive enough to want to know what they might or might not do while supporting me during early recovery, and friends who were as thoughtful as you are when thinking about how to show this kind of support. This response feels sincerely loving and caring. And it happens to be on topic for me where I am with a friend.
Right now I am trying to do the right thing with a long time friend now who I think is seriously considering stopping. Couple of things I'm doing as subtly and intentionally as I can: 1) checking in regularly but not unusually often. I want him to know that I am not only here but also that I am wanting to stay abreast of his well-being, while not doing so so often that it feels unusually invasive or even just "a little too concerned". 2) not aggressively jumping on opportunities to promote sobriety whenever the topic happens comes up (I don't want be promoting an agenda or bias, or come across as being *primarily* interested in topics related to sobriety and/or my friend's well-being — after all, under "normal" circumstances friendship rapport, for me and my friends, often changes in consistency and can meander around, such that we don't always do those things, even with the best of friends and regardless of whether or not it's appropriate) but I also make absolutely damn sure to show support for healthy behaviors and choices when I happen notice them; 3) not straying too far from (personal) agnostic recovery program stances when programs come up in conversation; i.e. supporting the idea of AA or Life Ring or Dharma or SMART (etc.) equally regardless of which I or my friend may favor or be thinking about, unless said friend seems to have strong stances or be more interested in one or the other himself. I also allow myself to share and display my own weaknesses, when appropriate. (I've noticed in the past friends who, while clearly trying to be supportive of me when I was struggling, would sometimes seem to purposefully avoid "showing their cards" or whatever, almost as though they were going for some sort of professional doctor-patient bedside manner or something.) So I'm not afraid to appear as vulnerable myself, and I think it might help remind my struggling friend that I am still human and fragile.
Anyway, lovely post as always. Take care.
Thanks for your comment, John! It sounds like your friend is lucky to have you as they go through this. I agree about showing vulnerability. When recovery support groups (of any variety) are successful, it’s often because people see them as safe spaces to be vulnerable with people who have struggled with similar issues. No one wants to talk to someone with a perfect life (should such a thing exist) about their problems!