How do I talk to my 14 year old daughter about drinking and drugs?

I don't want to promote the Just Say No ideology I grew up with, but I don't want to allow dangerous behavior, either.

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Hi Sober Lady,

I’m the mom of an amazing (if not a little rebellious) 14-year-old girl, so I’m not exactly new to having uncomfortable conversations with her…but they are getting more uncomfortable! Now that she’s firmly in high school, I figured it’s the right time to talk more seriously about things like partying, drunk driving, and all of the nightmare scenarios that keep a parent up at night. I always assumed that when the time came, I would take a more progressive approach and avoid the “Just Say No” stuff that we all rolled our eyes at. However, she has a family history of substance abuse through her biological mother’s side of the family, and even if she didn’t, 14 seems younger than I remember.

I get why so many parents end up having such strict rules; I don’t want to be “the cool mom” who lets their kid run loose, but I also don’t want her to start hiding things from me either…and I definitely don’t want to regret not doing enough. Am I overthinking this? Is it hypocritical to be thinking of changing my long-assumed parenting strategy?

Sincerely,

To D.A.R.E. or Not to D.A.R.E

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Hi To D.A.R.E.,

Thank you for the question and the brief trip down memory lane that was largely useless classroom D.A.R.E. presentations.

Fourteen might seem young, but historically, it’s around the age most youths in the U.S. try alcohol for the first time. That number has been trending higher recently, but regardless, having the conversation now is smart. High school is the time when most kids are exposed to alcohol and other drugs, and it’s better to start a dialogue before your child encounters these realities for the first time than after.

Let’s call your daughter Claire. The truth is there’s nothing you can say to her that guarantees she goes through high school without picking up a drink or using other drugs. The reason Just Say No wasn’t an effective means of preventing adolescent drug and alcohol use was because the campaign didn’t meaningfully engage with the reasons that teens say yes.

Being a teenager means constantly feeling caught between two worlds. You want to blend in and stand out. You’re often treated like a kid but held to an adult standard. You want parental approval, and you also want to rebel against everything your parents believe.

So what does that mean for your sit down with Claire? Instead of one big talk, think of this as the first chat in an ongoing dialogue. This is the pilot episode where the writers establish who everyone is and what the show is about; it’s the beginning rather than the end of the story.

I’d start the conversation by acknowledging that she’s getting older, has her own world, and is making her own decisions, some of which she might not always share with you. She’s always welcome to talk to you about anything, but you want to feel free to give her space and privacy when she wants it. To do that, the two of you need to discuss ways she can have that independence, and you can still do your number one job as her mom: keep her safe, healthy, and happy.

That means if she’s ever in a situation that feels scary, uncomfortable, chaotic, or just not right, she can call you, and you will come get her. It doesn’t matter if you wouldn’t approve of who she’s with or what she’s doing; give these calls a code name (say, Goldfish), and if she makes a goldfish call, that’s an agreement that you’ll come pick her up and won’t interrogate her about how or why she ended up where she did. Goldfish calls are judgment-free.

Give her a chance to respond to this idea, even if it’s just Mom! When would I ever need to do that?! I’m a perfect child!

Great question, fictional Claire! One hard and fast rule is to never get in a car with someone who has been drinking or using drugs. Sure, you can carve out exceptions for an adult who had a glass of wine with dinner, but I think it’s reasonable to explain that anyone who is impaired by substances is not a safe driver. If you’re fortunate enough not to have a real-world example of why that’s so dangerous, use mine. Tell her your internet friend Katie lost people she loved in a drunk driving accident when she was only a few years older than Claire is now. It’s a tragic reality you hope she never experiences.

The number one goal for your conversation with Claire is to make sure that she knows that she can come to you when it hits the fan, whether that’s failing a math test or ending up at a party where everyone is too drunk to drive.

Considering that it’s the first conversation of many, I’d leave it there. Give her a chance to ask questions, but you can save the dos and don’ts of parties, substance use, and genetic predispositions for another time. This is the conversation about what to do if she’s in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. By making it only about that, you’ve opened the door to more dialogue and made it clear that your primary concern is her safety.

Good luck!

~Katie

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