My brother finally admitted he's an alcoholic, but he's surrounded by enablers
My mom and brother's wife enable his drinking. Do I just butt out?
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Hi, Sober Lady!
My brother, who is 63, is finally facing the fact that he's an alcoholic and is sort of in treatment. I say ‘sort of’ because he is still drinking maybe three-ish beers a day, and has not owned up to his addiction with anyone other than his wife. She's a huge enabler; she told him it's "up to him" whether he actually seeks sobriety or just cuts back. I feel like pointing out her enabling behavior, but she'll just get hurt and not do anything about it. My mom has also enabled him for decades (because she thinks you can't be an alcoholic if you're "only" drinking beer) and doesn't know he's sort of facing his issue. Do I just butt out?
—Brother’s Keeper
Hi BK,
Thank you for the question. I know too well how hard it can be to watch the patterns of a loved one’s destructive alcohol use. You don’t say specifically what kind of treatment your brother is getting, but I’m going to assume it’s therapy or a mutual aid group like Alcoholics Anonymous. Whatever it is, it sounds like something he’s doing relatively privately if his wife is the only person he’s talked to about it.
It’s common in recovery spaces to hear people talk about their transition from being in denial about substance use to admitting they have a problem as a bolt of lightning realization, but it rarely happens all at once. Although the moment when all the fuzzy, disparate puzzle pieces suddenly paint a very clear picture is memorable, there are thousands of moments that, consciously or unconsciously, build to that moment.
The first time I ever wondered if I was an alcoholic was in a journal entry from my freshman year of high school. I got sober quite young, but it was still nearly a decade before I was able to answer that question with confidence. There was a lot of drinking and half-hearted attempts that happened in between.
It’s wonderful that your brother has acknowledged to his wife that he has alcohol use disorder. Although in your eyes, there may be plenty of evidence to support the theory, that’s still a realization he has to come to himself before he can fully grasp the reins of treatment. He has also probably acknowledged it to someone involved with his treatment, be that a therapist, doctor, or AA sponsor. But it’s not always a flipped switch, where once you realize it, you know. It can be more like a dimmer switch, where you’re sometimes closer to believing one theory of the case than another.
In other words, this is all a process. Maybe he realizes even three beers a day can get him into trouble, or he can’t limit himself to that. Maybe he can drink three beers daily and keep it to that without any negative consequences. More than likely, he’s somewhere in between and still figuring it out. All I can tell you is no individual in my life was able to convince me that my alcohol use was a problem, despite overwhelming evidentiary support, until I internalized that reality. Other people’s concerns about my drinking were like speed limit signs on an empty highway in the dead of night—I saw them, but they didn’t register as important because I had convinced myself I knew what lay ahead.
I don’t mean to imply that there’s some disastrous crash headed his way. He might be in the midst of treatment as I write this, well on his way to figuring out his goals and a plan for accomplishing them. Things could be headed steadily upward from here, and it simply took longer than you would have liked. Or there could be more potholes, near misses, and even crashes ahead. Either way, your concerns are completely valid—this can be terrifying and dangerous, and after all these years, you feel like he’s so close to realizing what you’ve known for a long time. There’s just only so much you can do with that information.
There are things I think are brilliant about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and things that make me want to scream, but among the most brilliant is its third tradition: the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Plenty of people will tell you they didn’t even have a desire to stop when they started AA, but it’s that ‘desire’ that’s so crucial. You don’t have to have promised your wife you’re going to stop or even have stopped drinking yourself. If abstinence from alcohol is a place you want to get to one day, you’re welcome on the train.
Your sister-in-law is right. It is up to him whether he seeks sobriety or cuts back. She could give him ultimatums—and she might be justified in doing so—but at the end of the day, the decision is his and his alone. Unless he believes that quitting drinking is the best decision for his life, any abstinence he puts together is going to be on slightly shaky ground. It’s the deeply frustrating reality of addiction.
When I was in rehab, they used to say if loving someone could stop them from becoming addicted to a substance, we would live in an addiction-free world. You can’t love someone into realizing they have a problem with alcohol, but there are things you can do to support your loved ones. You can call your brother and check in more than you normally would—just to say hello and let him know you’re thinking of him. You can be a sounding board for your sister-in-law or mom if that’s something they ask of you. You can choose not to drink around him, so he doesn’t feel weird about cutting back or abstaining himself.
There are a couple of reasons I ignored everyone who tried to convince me that my drinking was unsustainable at best and suicidal at worst: I felt like they were judging me when they couldn’t possibly understand. Understand what? It doesn’t matter. I had my reasons for drinking the way I did, and anyone who wanted to judge me could kick rocks.
Be there for your brother as a loved one, not someone who knows his situation better than he does. Be there because he’s your family, not because you know what he needs to do. You might be 100% right, but what good is being right if it doesn’t have practical significance?
I know from personal experience that this is much easier said than done. If the stress of it starts to feel overwhelming, consider talking to a therapist or going to a support group for loved ones of people with substance use disorder. Taking care of yourself will make you better able to help your brother, regardless of what that help looks like.
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I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.
This is the toughest question in any relationship. Even after over thirty years in Al-Anon learning to undo the habits of codependence in my life, my first inclination is to want to help. I have learned to step back and feel the discomfort of powerlessness before taking any action. It could be helpful to share Al-Anon with your mother and sister-in law. There is a lot of support in those rooms and it's often easier to hear it from someone who is not a family member. With your brother, it's probably best to tell him you trust he's got this and if he needs any help to let you know, you would be happy to share your experience, strength and hope. (If that's true for you.) Then step back.
Just discovered your page; this is great stuff. As someone who specializes in working with families impacted by addiction, I certainly appreciate your perspective here. I look forward to reading more of your stuff!