This is the toughest question in any relationship. Even after over thirty years in Al-Anon learning to undo the habits of codependence in my life, my first inclination is to want to help. I have learned to step back and feel the discomfort of powerlessness before taking any action. It could be helpful to share Al-Anon with your mother and sister-in law. There is a lot of support in those rooms and it's often easier to hear it from someone who is not a family member. With your brother, it's probably best to tell him you trust he's got this and if he needs any help to let you know, you would be happy to share your experience, strength and hope. (If that's true for you.) Then step back.
Just discovered your page; this is great stuff. As someone who specializes in working with families impacted by addiction, I certainly appreciate your perspective here. I look forward to reading more of your stuff!
To the letter writer: If your brother is successfully drinking just three beers a day after a long period of drinking significantly more, that is already harm reduction, and that alone is a positive, whether it is a step toward complete abstinence or not.
Not knowing anything about what his drinking has been like in the past, other than that it was enough to concern you — and, apparently, him — it’s impossible for me to say whether he is likely to be someone who can dial things back and keep it that way, or whether this period of relative temperance presages a backslide. From personal experience and from several years now in harm-reduction communities, I’d say the latter is more likely, but progress isn’t linear.
Although I fully understand that for many people, alcohol is an all-or-nothing proposition, there is something to be said for harm reduction.
It sounds like your brother might be open to the Moderation Management approach. For people who don’t feel they need to stop *entirely*, or simply are not ready to, it provides some self-guided worksheet type stuff and has online support groups and all that.
One of the guidelines in MM is to have a minimum of 3 days per week during which you do not drink at all. I’ve personally found that this alone, when I am sticking to it week after week, makes a gigantic difference.
As someone who is primarily a beer drinker, I’ve been really happy with the expansion in NA beers, and I often keep them in my fridge so I can still have a “treat” beverage or two at the end of the day on days I am abstaining. That might be a tool that is helpful for him in trying to work in zero-alcohol days.
Many people go back and forth with MM for a few years before ultimately deciding complete abstinence is the best path for them, so the approaches are by no means mutually exclusive, and it can be a stepping stone.
Just something to look into, if you want to try to meet him where he’s at and offer something that he might be more receptive to than a framework in which complete abstinence is considered the only benchmark of success.
Thanks! I felt a little weird about talking about moderation approaches on a sobriety-focused stack, but it seemed apt to the query; I’m so glad it was well-received!
I experience this in a somewhat similar way with my wife. I'm 14 years sober and do AA (on and off) but she struggles with the wine drinking. She's almost 4 months sober at the moment, and finally away from her family geographically (which helps), but she waffles about whether to drink again or not, even though she's always miserable when she does.
This is the toughest question in any relationship. Even after over thirty years in Al-Anon learning to undo the habits of codependence in my life, my first inclination is to want to help. I have learned to step back and feel the discomfort of powerlessness before taking any action. It could be helpful to share Al-Anon with your mother and sister-in law. There is a lot of support in those rooms and it's often easier to hear it from someone who is not a family member. With your brother, it's probably best to tell him you trust he's got this and if he needs any help to let you know, you would be happy to share your experience, strength and hope. (If that's true for you.) Then step back.
Just discovered your page; this is great stuff. As someone who specializes in working with families impacted by addiction, I certainly appreciate your perspective here. I look forward to reading more of your stuff!
Thank you! And thank you for doing such important work.
To the letter writer: If your brother is successfully drinking just three beers a day after a long period of drinking significantly more, that is already harm reduction, and that alone is a positive, whether it is a step toward complete abstinence or not.
Not knowing anything about what his drinking has been like in the past, other than that it was enough to concern you — and, apparently, him — it’s impossible for me to say whether he is likely to be someone who can dial things back and keep it that way, or whether this period of relative temperance presages a backslide. From personal experience and from several years now in harm-reduction communities, I’d say the latter is more likely, but progress isn’t linear.
Although I fully understand that for many people, alcohol is an all-or-nothing proposition, there is something to be said for harm reduction.
It sounds like your brother might be open to the Moderation Management approach. For people who don’t feel they need to stop *entirely*, or simply are not ready to, it provides some self-guided worksheet type stuff and has online support groups and all that.
One of the guidelines in MM is to have a minimum of 3 days per week during which you do not drink at all. I’ve personally found that this alone, when I am sticking to it week after week, makes a gigantic difference.
As someone who is primarily a beer drinker, I’ve been really happy with the expansion in NA beers, and I often keep them in my fridge so I can still have a “treat” beverage or two at the end of the day on days I am abstaining. That might be a tool that is helpful for him in trying to work in zero-alcohol days.
Many people go back and forth with MM for a few years before ultimately deciding complete abstinence is the best path for them, so the approaches are by no means mutually exclusive, and it can be a stepping stone.
Just something to look into, if you want to try to meet him where he’s at and offer something that he might be more receptive to than a framework in which complete abstinence is considered the only benchmark of success.
great advice and well said!
Thanks! I felt a little weird about talking about moderation approaches on a sobriety-focused stack, but it seemed apt to the query; I’m so glad it was well-received!
All paths of recovery (including harm reduction) welcome here!
I experience this in a somewhat similar way with my wife. I'm 14 years sober and do AA (on and off) but she struggles with the wine drinking. She's almost 4 months sober at the moment, and finally away from her family geographically (which helps), but she waffles about whether to drink again or not, even though she's always miserable when she does.
Congratulations on 14 years (and to her 4 months as well)! i hope she sticks with it, but it's a process.
that's a tough one...so easy to quit these days because nobody drinks anymore