My Drinking Ended Our Marriage; Now She Won't Even Acknowledge My Sobriety

Part of accepting responsibility is recognizing that she’s also recovering from trauma, and may need to do it at a different pace than you’d like.

My 26-year marriage is in the toilet due to several blackout-drunk tirades. The last one (2 months ago) prompted her to say, “We’re done.”  It took me a bit, but I’m now 16 days alcohol-free.  We are still in the same house at the moment because there is a kid involved. 

I’m not doing this for credit, and I am doing it for me, not her or “us.”  To be clear, I own the fact that I am the one who fucked this all up. I guess the bitterness and resentment has just gotten to the point where she just really isn’t interested and doesn’t care. 

How do you handle it when your “spouse” doesn’t even acknowledge, much less offer support, an attempt at sobriety?

—Spouse Doesn’t Care

Hi SDC,

Congratulations on putting together 16 days without alcohol! That’s a huge accomplishment and something you should be very proud of, regardless of who recognizes it. You’ve done something important and difficult and it sounds like your life will be better for it.

Given the magnitude of this step, it’s only natural to want your spouse—regardless of your current status as a couple—to recognize it. This is all the more true when booze has been a major obstacle in your relationship. She’s seen you struggle with your alcohol use; it’s only natural you want her to recognize the progress you’ve made by staying sober.

But just as it took you “a bit” after the last blackout to stop drinking, it may take her a bit before she’s ready to acknowledge or support it. You say that your marriage is “in the toilet due to several blackout tirades.” Whatever the specific effects of these incidents were, they were damaging enough to prompt her to end 26 years of marriage. These incidents profoundly affected her. 

I don’t say this to criticize you or to add to the guilt you already feel about the role your drinking played in ending the relationship. Believe me, I get it. My alcohol use destroyed one of the most important relationships in my life—it felt unfair and fair all at the same time. I wasn’t trying to sabotage the relationship, but I understood that my actions around alcohol had fatally wounded it. 

You say, “I guess the bitterness and resentment has just gotten to the point where she just really isn’t interested and doesn’t care.”

It might seem like she doesn’t care, and maybe that’s even what she’d say if you asked her. But I don’t believe it. There are countless variations of powerful, sometimes conflicting emotions that come with a long relationship, harmful substance use, and trying to make things work until you decide they don’t anymore. 

Maybe she doesn’t want to risk being hopeful lest it all come crashing down. Or she doesn’t want to acknowledge how heartbroken she is because she feels like the pain of that loss will swallow her whole, and there’s a kid to think about. Or maybe she’s just exhausted. I am willing to bet she feels some swirling, messy combination of all of the above and then some. She may feel that if she sits with these feelings for too long or even acknowledges them, they will overwhelm her. Keeping her head above water right now may mean she’s not ready to recognize your progress. 

Part of understanding your role in “fucking all this up” is accepting that she’s also recovering from something, and she may need to do it at a different pace than you’d like. You say you didn’t quit drinking for her or credit, and that’s good. Because right now, you have to run your own race and not get too bogged down in how she’s running hers.

When I exploded my life at the end of my drinking, I was dating someone I was very much in love with. I went into rehab thinking the only way I would drink again was if he broke up with me—I was sure that pain would be too much to bear. It was not 26 years of marriage, but it was the person I thought was my future, and I was terrified of how badly I had fucked things up. 

When I left rehab, we tried to stay together. We talked constantly, which largely consisted of me—mired in guilt and self-loathing—apologizing for the many lies I’d told him, the different shades of gaslighting I’d used to try to obscure the reality of my addiction. He was understandably still reeling from all of it—the deception, the outright lies, the blackouts, and health scares. 

He needed to talk all of it through, each incident in detail, multiple times. I thought it was more than fair, considering everything I’d done. And then, maybe a month or two after getting out of treatment, I couldn’t do it anymore. I was building a new life. I got a job, made new friends, and started to shed some of the guilt that had been weighing me down. I still regretted how I’d behaved, but I couldn’t live in the regret anymore. It had started to feel less like atoning and more like self-flagellation. 

What he needed to move on was different from what I needed. Neither he nor I were wrong; we just needed different things to recover from this messy trauma we’d experienced. Would it be nice if you felt some acknowledgment and support from your wife? Absolutely. But there are many reasons she may not be able to do that yet, and I would be shocked if any of them truly boiled down to not caring.

That said, having a supportive community can make a world of difference when you’re trying to stay away from alcohol. I strongly suggest reaching out to people who don’t drink or will otherwise be supportive of your sobriety to let them know what you’re going through. If you feel like it fits, there are sixty gazillion AA meetings where you’ll find plenty of people who want to celebrate your sobriety and help you maintain it. If the 12-step meetings aren’t appealing, I have a list of recovery resources here, many of which don’t follow a 12-step program.

If that’s not your bag, reach out to friends and family who you think will be supportive and tell them what you’re doing. Let them recognize and support you. Make plans to do something with them where drinking isn’t an option (or, at the very least, is unappealing). Pick a sport or hobby that will keep you busy and help you get to know people outside a boozy environment. Share your sobriety milestones with anyone you want to. Start building the life that takes you from being stuck in the past to what’s possible now. 

Send questions and feedback to askasoberlady@gmail.com. By sending a question, you agree to let me reprint it in the newsletter with your name redacted or changed. Emails may be edited for length or clarity.

I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic advice. You are free to take or leave it.