Old-timers in AA imply I don't "qualify"
The only desire for membership is a desire to stop drinking. If you understand that, you understand the Program better than your naysayers do.
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Hi Sober Lady,
I’m 24 years old. I’m a daily drinker: On weekdays, I’ll have a few (like 3) shots after work, and 2-3 more before bed. I never drink before or during work hours. Weekends are usually double what I drink on weekdays, like 10 or so each weekend night. People know I drink, but no one in my personal life is aware of how much.
Lately, I’ve started reaching out for help. I’ve joined some online communities, started attending AA meetings, and am looking into therapy. But more than once, I’ve opened up to someone about my drinking, only to be met with eye rolls or laughter. There are a few “old timers” who respond with something like, “That’s nothing. I used to drink twice that in one night.” It makes me feel like I’m being stupid and don’t belong there.
Why does the exact amount I drink even matter? I’m going to meetings because I’m struggling. I know I have a problem. I know I’m an alcoholic. And I’m actively trying to get better. But being mocked or condescended to when I’m looking for support sucks. It makes it harder to stay strong in the moments when I’m tempted to drink. I start to question myself—maybe I’m not really an alcoholic, maybe I’m just young and partying like everyone else.
To be clear, I have met supportive people, and I’m grateful for them. But the other voices are the ones that echo in my mind when I’m struggling the most.
Do you think I’m just going through a young and partying phase? How should I deal with these people who I know are assholes but are still getting to me?
~Bastards getting me down
Dear BGMD,
I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this. For the record: what you’re experiencing is bullshit and an example of AA members who have completely lost touch with why the Program exists. In my experience, these are also the people who think they have the best grasp of AA’s program—a hypocrisy that is extremely hard to tolerate.
When I first walked into a meeting, I was 23, and there were a few people who rolled out the old chestnut, “I probably spilled more than you drank.” Fortunately, they were in the minority of people I encountered, but the fact that I remember them 17 years later indicates how much it affected me. When I eventually did share my story, these same old timers proceeded to act impressed by how much I was drinking at such a young age. It was two sides of the same profoundly stupid and harmful coin.
One of the smartest things Bill Wilson did when he was creating AA was to clearly state that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. That’s it. You don’t have to have lost your job, gotten arrested, or caught drinking at work, been hospitalized, or anything else. Why? Because none of that matters if you don’t have a desire to stop drinking.
Of the eleven point assessment doctors use to help them determine if you have alcohol use disorder, guess how many ask about the specific quantity of alcohol you consume? NONE. Because what matters is not the number of drinks but the effect alcohol use is having on your body and in your life. Do you regularly drink more than you wanted to? Do you spend a significant amount of time and energy figuring out your next drink? Do you crave alcohol? Do you miss family or work obligations as a result of being drunk or hungover? Those are the factors that best illustrate your relationship to alcohol.
What questions do you have about substance use and recovery? What topics would you like me to address in the newsletter? Let me know.
That said, it’s particularly confounding that you’ve encountered this attitude because five to six drinks every weeknight and 10 on Saturday and Sunday is some real drinking. (I don’t say this in judgment; I’m simply pointing out that anyone who thinks there’s no place for a person in AA if they “only” go through a fifth of liquor every 2-3 days needs to spend more time with people who are not alcoholics, recovering, or otherwise.)
So, no, I don’t think you’re going through a young and partying phase. For one, you say that when you get home from work, you take ~3 shots. To me, that sounds like you’re drinking because you need or feel like you need that release, not because you’re a social butterfly who can’t pass up a good happy hour with friends.
More importantly, however, I don’t think you’re going through a phase because you don’t think you’re going through a phase. Why would I, or any of those old-timers, know what’s happening in your brain better than you do? Going to an AA meeting—especially a meeting that has a handful of condescending asshats in it—is hardly the activity of choice of most 24 year olds. If you’re there, it’s because you feel like you need to be. If you feel like you need to be, then you belong there. Period.
As for how to deal with them, there’s a part of me that wants you to respond to anything like ‘I spilled more than you drank’ with a snarkily sweet, “Are you saying I don’t belong here? Because I was told the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.” But that’s just my pettiness.
A less petty option is to ignore them, content with the knowledge that they’re both ridiculous and wrong. But you’re also not stuck there—AA meetings are everywhere. Try going to a different one every day before or after work. Different groups have very different dynamics, and you may find one you connect with better than your current meeting.
AA also isn’t the only game in town. Both SMART Recovery and Lifering have options that are online and in person, and there’s much less emphasis on the ‘wisdom of the old timer’ than there is in AA. Because, as you’ve learned right off the bat, sometimes the old timer is full of...malarky.
Again, what strikes me most about these characters is how divorced they’ve become from the reason they’re at the meeting in the first place. AA says that the recovering alcoholic’s primary purpose is to “carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers,” not play ‘who drank more’ with a 24-year-old newcomer just looking for support. What they are doing is moronic and unhelpful and precisely the opposite kind of message AA’s founders wanted recovered alcoholics to carry. But that is on them. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.
Right now, the most important thing is that you have a desire to stop drinking. Hold on to that. Whether you stick with your current group or try other meetings or recovery programs, hold tight to that desire. Know that it means you’ve correctly identified a problem and are trying to address it. That’s no small accomplishment. Too many people never get there. Don’t let some ignorant old cranks stand in your way.
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I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.
The line that got me in the writer's question was how people in their personal life don't know how much they were drinking. I found that a lot of the resistence I got from people who didn't think I had a problem were in that camp of not realizing. And worse yet, they didn't know how much I *wanted* to drink. I know it's not the same as being dismissed when you tell people. But at the end of the day, we have to get sober for ourselves and believe we need the help so we can get it. Anyone who thinks we don't need that help (or don't need it badly enough or drank enough) is just someone to avoid, at least in the beginning. There are enough people who support us, and that's who we should focus on.
If there is an Intergroup office in your town, call them and ask for a “young person’s” group. I’ve been around the doors for over 3decades and these sort of old timers make me sick. Pay no attention to the small people who act this way! There are young groups that are much more open minded. Good luck!🍀